Hi, guys! My beautiful name is still Bella Swan and I’m the happiest girl in the world! I’m also the prettiest, smartest, funniest, luckiest, and most unworthy. Plus, I’m the best at everything, but I’m really just your average girl. I’m so super special happy awesome now that I have my cold undead glittery love. He’s so wonderful! I can’t believe how lucky I am to have an incredible angelic beauty like him. Now since I have a man, I no longer lead a pointless existence! After all, everyone knows that women are weak and useless on their own.

Anyway, my knight in shining sparkly perfect impenetrable armor and I were hanging out one day. I’d give you more details, but that’d be no fun. We were cuddling happily on the couch, since all we want is a platonic relationship. Since were both perfect students (although he’s perfecter) we were studying for school. After all, what do true loves do other than discuss classic romance novels (which I’m sure you remember that I love) with perfect college-level understanding and insight while all the while loading the scene with heavy foreshadowing and symbolism?

“Oh no, Bella!” my angel cried suddenly. The beauty as his face contorted into a dramatic gasp gave me goose bumps. “My ultrasonic echolocation hearing has informed me that your father approaches! Quickly, let us separate so that he does not get any-” he paused dramatically, “bad ideas.”

I nodded and gave a stab at what they call intelligence. “That’s smart. We want to teach the readers good moral values even though the entire concept of vampires and drinking blood is symbolistic for indulgence and sin in most cultures.”

We gazed soulfully at each other for exactly seven point two seconds and my heart stopped five times from his sheer beauty. He leapt gracefully away and landed on the blue paisley armchair with finesse that would make a ballerina fall to her knees and scream out the injustices of her comparative clumsiness to god. Speaking of clumsy, did I mention how clumsy I am? I just want you to remember that I’m unworthy and all.

“It’s a good thing that I moved over here,” he sighed, “since I’m a monster.”

Before I could cry out that he wasn’t, my father stomped in. Since I’m so cool and ultra hip and modern, I call him by his first name, Charlie. After all, showing respect to elders is soooo lame. I think it’s degrading, just like anti-feminism. I’m totally a feminist. Sure I do all the cooking and cleaning without question, I love pink and baking cookies and I’m helpless and always have to be rescued, but whatever.

Since Charlie isn’t important, all I have to tell is that he grunted something vaguely fatherly and protective and then left. Instantly, my glittery seraph and I leapt back together as though it had been years since our last embrace.

“Oh, Edward!” I sobbed. “I missed you!”

“As did I, dearheart! Oh, Bella, my love…” he paused with an air of melodrama. “I…have something to tell you.”

“What is it, angel?”

“Well, for some completely unprecedented, vague, and illogical reason, I feel the need to leave you forever! It’s okay if I break your heart, it’s far more important to protect you from the monstrosity that is me!”

“No!” I screamed, throwing myself onto my knees before him. “I love you!”

“Oh, but Bella, I must!” he sobbed. “I’m monster!”

“No!” I cried again, running out of things to say. “I love you!”

“I’m so sorry, as you can totally tell from my lack of personality and expressions! I must go! Goodbye my love, my angel, my midnight snack!”

I fell to my knees and my heart spontaneously tore itself apart as Edward skipped out the door, sparkling all the way. How could this happen? I had given him my heart, my love, my very soul! My embodiment of beautiful perfection and angelic splendor had left me. It was probably because of my own inferiority! Oh god, I knew I didn’t deserve him! I deserved to be punished for loving an incredible seraph like him!

So, remember how the sense of time is kinda vague? Good! Well, now I’m best friends with Jacob! He’s so nice! Jacob always makes me feel better and we totally aren’t love interests or anything. I’m still really sad though, because since I’m a woman I’m nothing without a man. It’s perfectly excusable for me to fall apart and become an even greater insult to all of woman kind with my pathetic lack of self worth and feminism, right?

Anyway, I love being with Jacob. We do everything together, like ride dangerous motorcycles and talk about the new spring fashions and look at the stars and pet kittens and plant flowers and I bake cookies for him sometimes, since I’m a girl. I’m only happy when I’m with Jacob.

Suddenly, Jacob began acting strangely one day. He wouldn’t talk to me or anything! I was so sad! I lack any and all intelligence, so I couldn’t even figure out why he was so upset despite completely obvious hints throughout both of the books.

Finally, Jacob climbed through my window one night. It was just like Edward was back! Oh, I never stop thinking about Edward. I love the way he spys on me at night and the way he’s so masochistic and how he sparkles and how he lacks personality…

Anyway, Jacob said, “Bella, there’s something I must tell you, but in an effort to draw out this scene and increase its drama, I can’t say it directly.”

“Oh no, Jacob! Last time someone said that they had to tell me something, my glittery love left me forever!”

“Oh, don’t mention that Cullen scum! I hate him with a passion in order to add depth and to act as an opposing force in your relationship. Anyway, don’t worry, I’m too infatuated with your apparently average looks to ever leave you! Anyway, here’s a hint: I change during full moons.”

I stared at him blankly.

“Like…I go all furry. And I get really…wolfish.”

I continued to stare blankly. My pathetic human female mind couldn’t puzzle it out.

“Um, it’s spelled like ‘w-e-r-e-w-blank-l-f.”

“Werewblanklf?” I asked, confused.

“…Bella? Are you kidding?”

“No,” I replied, wide-eyed and shaking my head. Whatever could he mean?

“Bella. Like…think mythical creatures. Like Edward.”

“You’re a vampire!” I gasped in elation.

“NO,” he groaned. “I’m not a vampire. It starts with a ‘w.’”

“A wvampire? What’s that? Oh my god, are you Edward in disguise?!”

“NO.”

“Well then…um…let me think…w…wyvern? Griffon?”

“Griffon doesn’t start with…just…just keep guessing.”

Suddenly, it hit me like a baseball smashing into a watermelon very hard. “You’re a werewolf! Oh my god! I had no idea, especially since it’s not like there have been obvious hints throughout the entire book!”

“I know, Bella, it’s shocking! Now I must leave in order to be dramatic and also because I’ve apparently violated rules by telling my best friend!”

With that, he leapt out of my window like a graceful swan. I threw myself facedown onto my bed and started crying, as usual. “No…” I told myself. “Don’t cry. It’s not worth it. He’s not sparkly.”

After another vague and unspecified amount of time had passed, I was still feeling sad so I decided to do what I’d seem Jacob and his friends do: jump off a cliff! It sounds super fun and not at all dangerous. So I jumped off, and it was really scary and I found out that it actually was kind of dangerous! I mean, I seriously had no idea! I was so terrified until something amazing happened.

Alice rescued me!

“Alice! I thought you were unimportant to the story! Oh well, at least you sparkle!” I cried.

“Quick, let’s go save Edward! He thinks that you’re dead and plans on revealing himself to humans by sparkling to get himself killed by the vampire fuzz!”

“Okay!” I nodded passively. I’d tell you all about how we rescued him and stuff, but I wasn’t really paying attention. I was too busy thinking of Edward the entire time. Suddenly, there he was, hugging me again!

“Oh Bella! I’m so sorry, I don’t know why I did it! I love you!”

“I love you too, Edward!” My heart stopped at his perfection I forgot how beautiful he was, how marvelous his white marble face was. “Please, never leave me again! You know that I’m only a woman! I can’t survive on my own!”

“But of course, love! I now see the error of my ways! Let us go snuggle! But first…I must make sure that you remember.”

“Remember what?”

“That I’m a monster.”