Hello, my name is Bella Swan. Isn’t it such a pretty name? It’s supposed to make you think that I’ll be a deep, beautiful, gracefully written---wait a sec, did I just say graceful? Because, as you’ll unfortunately find out, I’m the complete opposite of graceful. Clumsiness, which is intended to be the flaw of my otherwise perfect character, plagues my pitiful, unworthy female human self for this entire series. I'll constantly remind you so that you can remember how unworthy and pathetic I am.

Anyway, I’ve recently moved to live with the commoners in Forks because I’m self-sacrificing and I only want my mom to be happy because I’m such a wonderful person. Oh, and by the way, the sense of time will be vague to nonexistent, so just stop trying to make sense of everything that happens in this story.

ABRUPT AND CONFUSING TIME CHANGE COMMENCE.

Life in Forks turned out to be absolutely horrible. No one at school liked me! Every single guy pretended to have a crush on me out of pity and all the girls wouldn’t stop talking to me. I’m so unworthy of those plebeians. I’m sorry, is this confusing you? Does it seem contradictory? Get used to it, because it’s only getting worse from here.

Then I saw him. Edward Cullen. Beautiful, godlike, a perfect statue carved out of flawless white marble and pure amazingness. We locked eyes for only a moment, his liquid topaz orbs burning into mine with the intensity of a blazing fire. He smiled, a gorgeous crooked smile that would make angels weep at its beauty.

“Hi,” I called over to him with a wave.

Suddenly, his face darkened like a hurricane sweeping over the sea. Its complete perfection made my breath catch. How could I possibly consider myself to be worthy of even breathing in the presence of an angel like him?

“We can never be together!” he cried furiously, wrapping his perfect stone arms around me. “We can’t even talk, it’s too dangerous. I’m a monster, Bella! I’ll only hurt you! I must…leave you…even though it pains me…” he sobbed with incredible melodrama.

"No!” I cried, returning the embrace. His perfection nearly made my heart stop. “It’s okay that we’ve only known each other for three minutes, I love you! You can’t leave me! That’s not how it works in the classic romance novels that I apparently love in an attempt to make me seem well-educated and even farther above the rest of the masses! Those always have happy endings, except for the whole ‘copping off with the wrong bloke and dying’ part!”

“Oh, but Bella!” he sobbed, the agony shining in his voice like liquid gold. “But I’m a brooding, angsty monster! Don’t you understand, Bella? I’m the bad guy! Not to mention really hot and tragic! Oh my god, I love you.”

I gasped. “Oh, Edward! I love you too in a completely devoid of chemistry and romance way! Let’s go hang out with your rich and tragically underused family that only happens to be valued when they’re needed in the plot! But first, I’ve figured out that you’re not normal, even though you’ve lived here for years and you’re insanely beautiful and no one else has even ever thought you might be inhuman! You see, I'm perfect and incredibly smart and so amazing that no less than five men are in love with me despite the fact that you have two incredibly, breathtakingly beautiful sisters!”

“Say it, Bella,” he whispered, smiling gently through perfect teeth.

“You’re obviously a sparkly vampire.”

“Exactly!” he screamed, fury coursing thorugh his words. “I’m a mon-“

“No!” I cried. “Don’t say ‘monster’ again, I can’t bear it! I love you! Plus, you say it every three seconds.”

Suddenly, an actual vampire strolled over and stared at us for a few moments. He grinned and said something generically sinister and threatening. “Oh, and by the way, my name is James. Mind if I kill you now?” he finished.

“Quick, Alice, this way!” one of Edward’s unimportant brothers, Jasper, called. “We’re now needed in the plot, so let’s act like we haven’t been ignored the entire time! We have to protect Bella, even though she’s a whiny, selfish brat that deserves to be killed by this actually cool vampire who is now giving this 450 page book a semblance of a plot 375 pages in!”

“Okay!” she replied, dancing over to me.

Edward hissed like a five year old pretending to be a vampire and tore James’ head off. “No! You can’t hurt Bella, you horrible person! Only I can, since I’m a monster!”

“Oh, Edward!” I cried, swooning into his perfect marble arms.
“Let’s be together forever! Turn me into a vampire!”

“No,” he sobbed tragically. “I’m a monster! I can’t bear the thought of you becoming like this! And anyway, we’ve got three books to go, in which sexist overtones and indulgent writing are clearly displayed. Plus, I really love angsting, especially about being a monster.”

“Oh, okay,” I replied. If this perfect, beautiful, seraphlike idol didn’t want me to be a vampire, I understood. After all, he was a man, and a really hot one at that, so he obviously knew best. “Do you mind if I become best friends with a werewolf only to leave him behind immediately as soon as you come back from your masochistic angst vacation, display incredible amounts of stupidity and helplessness that border on offensive toward women, and act whiny, stubborn, unworthy, superior, and contrary for the next three books?”

“Not if you don’t mind me being dramatically moody, emo, contolling, stalker-ish, and tragic before being played by a man that looked better as dead Cedric Diggory in the movie!” he replied.

“Of course not, that's what every girl should want in a man! I’ll even remind the readers constantly how amazing you are! Plus, my actor won’t even be able to act!”

“Oh, Bella, my beautiful little Mary Sue,” he murmured. “I love you so much.”

For the eighteenth time that day, I felt my heart stop at his perfection.

“But I’m still a monster.”