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Hello, my name is Bella Swan. Isn’t it such a pretty name? It’s supposed to make you think that I’ll be a deep, beautiful, gracefully written---wait a sec, did I just say graceful? Because, as you’ll unfortunately find out, I’m the complete opposite of graceful. Clumsiness, which is intended to be the flaw of my otherwise perfect character, plagues my pitiful, unworthy female human self for this entire series. I'll constantly remind you so that you can remember how unworthy and pathetic I am.

Anyway, I’ve recently moved to live with the commoners in Forks because I’m self-sacrificing and I only want my mom to be happy because I’m such a wonderful person. Oh, and by the way, the sense of time will be vague to nonexistent, so just stop trying to make sense of everything that happens in this story.

ABRUPT AND CONFUSING TIME CHANGE COMMENCE.

Life in Forks turned out to be absolutely horrible. No one at school liked me! Every single guy pretended to have a crush on me out of pity and all the girls wouldn’t stop talking to me. I’m so unworthy of those plebeians. I’m sorry, is this confusing you? Does it seem contradictory? Get used to it, because it’s only getting worse from here.

Then I saw him. Edward Cullen. Beautiful, godlike, a perfect statue carved out of flawless white marble and pure amazingness. We locked eyes for only a moment, his liquid topaz orbs burning into mine with the intensity of a blazing fire. He smiled, a gorgeous crooked smile that would make angels weep at its beauty.

“Hi,” I called over to him with a wave.

Suddenly, his face darkened like a hurricane sweeping over the sea. Its complete perfection made my breath catch. How could I possibly consider myself to be worthy of even breathing in the presence of an angel like him?

“We can never be together!” he cried furiously, wrapping his perfect stone arms around me. “We can’t even talk, it’s too dangerous. I’m a monster, Bella! I’ll only hurt you! I must…leave you…even though it pains me…” he sobbed with incredible melodrama.

"No!” I cried, returning the embrace. His perfection nearly made my heart stop. “It’s okay that we’ve only known each other for three minutes, I love you! You can’t leave me! That’s not how it works in the classic romance novels that I apparently love in an attempt to make me seem well-educated and even farther above the rest of the masses! Those always have happy endings, except for the whole ‘copping off with the wrong bloke and dying’ part!”

“Oh, but Bella!” he sobbed, the agony shining in his voice like liquid gold. “But I’m a brooding, angsty monster! Don’t you understand, Bella? I’m the bad guy! Not to mention really hot and tragic! Oh my god, I love you.”

I gasped. “Oh, Edward! I love you too in a completely devoid of chemistry and romance way! Let’s go hang out with your rich and tragically underused family that only happens to be valued when they’re needed in the plot! But first, I’ve figured out that you’re not normal, even though you’ve lived here for years and you’re insanely beautiful and no one else has even ever thought you might be inhuman! You see, I'm perfect and incredibly smart and so amazing that no less than five men are in love with me despite the fact that you have two incredibly, breathtakingly beautiful sisters!”

“Say it, Bella,” he whispered, smiling gently through perfect teeth.

“You’re obviously a sparkly vampire.”

“Exactly!” he screamed, fury coursing thorugh his words. “I’m a mon-“

“No!” I cried. “Don’t say ‘monster’ again, I can’t bear it! I love you! Plus, you say it every three seconds.”

Suddenly, an actual vampire strolled over and stared at us for a few moments. He grinned and said something generically sinister and threatening. “Oh, and by the way, my name is James. Mind if I kill you now?” he finished.

“Quick, Alice, this way!” one of Edward’s unimportant brothers, Jasper, called. “We’re now needed in the plot, so let’s act like we haven’t been ignored the entire time! We have to protect Bella, even though she’s a whiny, selfish brat that deserves to be killed by this actually cool vampire who is now giving this 450 page book a semblance of a plot 375 pages in!”

“Okay!” she replied, dancing over to me.

Edward hissed like a five year old pretending to be a vampire and tore James’ head off. “No! You can’t hurt Bella, you horrible person! Only I can, since I’m a monster!”

“Oh, Edward!” I cried, swooning into his perfect marble arms.
“Let’s be together forever! Turn me into a vampire!”

“No,” he sobbed tragically. “I’m a monster! I can’t bear the thought of you becoming like this! And anyway, we’ve got three books to go, in which sexist overtones and indulgent writing are clearly displayed. Plus, I really love angsting, especially about being a monster.”

“Oh, okay,” I replied. If this perfect, beautiful, seraphlike idol didn’t want me to be a vampire, I understood. After all, he was a man, and a really hot one at that, so he obviously knew best. “Do you mind if I become best friends with a werewolf only to leave him behind immediately as soon as you come back from your masochistic angst vacation, display incredible amounts of stupidity and helplessness that border on offensive toward women, and act whiny, stubborn, unworthy, superior, and contrary for the next three books?”

“Not if you don’t mind me being dramatically moody, emo, contolling, stalker-ish, and tragic before being played by a man that looked better as dead Cedric Diggory in the movie!” he replied.

“Of course not, that's what every girl should want in a man! I’ll even remind the readers constantly how amazing you are! Plus, my actor won’t even be able to act!”

“Oh, Bella, my beautiful little Mary Sue,” he murmured. “I love you so much.”

For the eighteenth time that day, I felt my heart stop at his perfection.

“But I’m still a monster.”
Another edit:
I spawned a sequel.
[link]
End edit!

Spoilers, as if anyone cares.

The entire and actual story of Twilight. In two pages. Enjoy.

EDIT!
As :iconrebekuh: pointed out, I forgot the lion/lamb line! My bad...
END EDIT!

I don't own Twilight and I have no desire to. Oh, and I don't own that 'copping off with the wrong bloke and dying' line. Cookies to anyone that can tell me what it's from.

Just for the record, Team Jasper all the way. Alice is cool, too. Also, I'm sure Stephanie Meyer is a lovely person and fun to hang out with. I mean, she likes Muse. I'm just thoroughly disgusted with the popularity of this series. (If it wasn't so "OMG t1l1ght is teh bESt ceres EVER and OMG I""M ttlly In <33333 with EDWard and iMMa mary him 1 day omg he"S SO Lyke hawt. Its beter then [insert name of classic here. One that would make you go "What the hell?!" Like Call of the Wild or Les Miserables.]" I wouldn't have such a problem.) I'm quite happy for you, Ms. Meyer and I hope to one day achieve your level of success. Just with books that are acutally good.

...Sorry if you get to this page randomly. There are some pretty bizzare keywords. Like 'literary hell.'
Add a Comment:
 
:icontrollingtontrollifer:
TrollingtonTrollifer Featured By Owner Feb 8, 2015
This is so perfect.
Reply
:iconjedwa123:
jedwa123 Featured By Owner Jul 20, 2014
*slamming random persons head againt a wall* TWI-LIGHT ISN'T LITER-ATURE!!!!
Reply
:iconjedwa123:
jedwa123 Featured By Owner Jul 20, 2014
SORRY, I just had too :P
Reply
:iconscr1b3:
Scr1b3 Featured By Owner Aug 14, 2013  Hobbyist General Artist
:rofl: This is just so epic! :heart:
Reply
:iconfirestarawesome:
Firestarawesome Featured By Owner Jun 6, 2013  Hobbyist General Artist
Eddykinz? :iconhahgayplz:
Reply
:iconmiserymadness:
MiseryMadness Featured By Owner May 8, 2013  Hobbyist General Artist
Great Job
Reply
:iconquantuminnovator:
QuantumInnovator Featured By Owner Nov 16, 2012
I'm glad today is finally the end of the line for the Twilight saga.

You did a really nice job writing this. I am very impressed.
Reply
:icon1951-vamphollow:
1951-VampHollow Featured By Owner Aug 28, 2012
and the alcohol/heron comparison. (for the second edit)
Frankly, the whole story was like "I can't let u go after the moment I met u!"
...
It was also in the 4th book where Bella make a trip (vampire *ohh! sparkly!* *roll eyes*) that she couldn't bear to leave Edward, but she must. I thought I was going to be sick. Can't stand to leave each other after being a second apart? Cheesy, and quite not human.
Frankly, I can't see Bella a selfless girl. She was pretty damn selfish to Edward and such. Idiot thing.

So, I like the making fun of Twilight because it got too popular too fast when its terrible.
Reply
:iconiliveindreams777:
ILiveInDreams777 Featured By Owner Aug 25, 2012
I hate twilight but yes Alice is a little well thought out than both Bella and Edward! :)
Reply
:iconr0tflma0:
R0TFLMA0 Featured By Owner Aug 7, 2012  Hobbyist General Artist
This is perfect lol XD
Reply
:iconawestphal:
awestphal Featured By Owner Jul 20, 2012  Hobbyist Traditional Artist
and thus my life is complete. SO TRUE.
Reply
:iconmissingnob:
MissingnoB Featured By Owner Mar 30, 2012
The ending reminded me of Chrono Trigger. "But you're still hungry."
Reply
:icondr-mc-ninja85:
dr-mc-ninja85 Featured By Owner Aug 20, 2011  Hobbyist Photographer
I never read the books because i got to page three and got bored and i can watch Twilight but Kristen stewart can't act and her facial expressions are the same DEPRESSSED im not obsessed with Rob or Taylor because of what they look like and this is hilarious i must say !!
Reply
:iconfullmetalkiki4ever:
FullmetalKiki4ever Featured By Owner Aug 16, 2011  Hobbyist Traditional Artist
I really like twilight, not like overly obsessed like the stupid fan girls and what not, so that being said, I find this extremely funny and awesome. XD I'm going to read the next one.
Reply
:iconpforprincess:
PforPrincess Featured By Owner Jul 24, 2011  Hobbyist Traditional Artist
I would rather buy THIS than any of the Twilight books
Reply
:iconinvierna:
Invierna Featured By Owner Jan 18, 2011
This is so awesome. Incredibly accurate. Great job!
Reply
:iconinvaderaresx:
InvaderAresX Featured By Owner Dec 19, 2010  Hobbyist Traditional Artist
Lol!!!!!
Reply
:iconisabelpython:
IsabelPython Featured By Owner Dec 6, 2010
:la: Stuff like this is why I want to kidnap you. You get a moose for this. :iconmooseplz: His name is Fritz.
“I’m a monster! I can’t bear the thought of you becoming like this! And anyway, we’ve got three books to go, in which sexist overtones and indulgent writing are clearly displayed. Plus, I really love angsting, especially about being a monster.”
:rofl: That pretty much sums their entire relationship up.
Reply
:iconmasterkagura:
MasterKagura Featured By Owner Dec 14, 2010
Hey, I'm up for that. Really, it sounds fine to m---

I mean.

I wouldn't appreciate that. Goodness.

XD And I'm glad you enjoyed this! Man, I haven't looked at it in a while...
Reply
:iconisabelpython:
IsabelPython Featured By Owner Dec 16, 2010
:iconsadplz: Awww... *puts the breaks on the kidnap-o-mobile* Well, if that's what you want.

:pat: I do enjoy some good Twilight mocking.
Reply
:iconchild-of-hades:
Child-Of-Hades Featured By Owner Nov 26, 2010  Hobbyist Traditional Artist
Holy shit, this is better than the Twilight parody I wrote! Love the ending! XD
Reply
:iconmiyakosuou:
miyakosuou Featured By Owner Nov 16, 2010  Professional Writer
I found this at random on a friend's fave list... and I had to comment even after over a year since it's been posted. This is brilliance! And far superior to the ACTUAL Twilight series. This at least I could get a laugh out of and relate to.
And good job getting the "Wuthering Heights" reference in there. Cause even if Catherine is a complete nutcase, at least she has a personality!
Reply
:iconunderground-rogue:
Underground-Rogue Featured By Owner Oct 30, 2010  Student Writer
This is incredible. You just made my week.
Reply
:iconwiredandgaming:
WiredandGaming Featured By Owner Aug 14, 2010  Hobbyist Writer
Just..j..God I love you. Just...so much, right now.

This is totally the book. Despite what I may be exposing myself too, this is the book.
Reply
:iconnamiedanielle:
NamieDanielle Featured By Owner Aug 11, 2010
:tombstone:Here lies Namie Danielle.
Cause of death: Laughing. :skullbones:
Reply
:iconwithinmeloveresides1:
withinmeloveresides1 Featured By Owner Aug 10, 2010  Student Writer
OH MY GOD THAT WAS JUST HILARIOUS! Absolutely true! I read the series a couple years before they became truly popular and liked them but OH MY GOD their just too boring to read all over again. So awesome job I loved it!
Reply
:iconatsuianimay:
atsuianimay Featured By Owner Jul 28, 2010
if you like this, read mine.
[link]
Reply
:iconmwbobo92196:
mwbobo92196 Featured By Owner Jul 18, 2010
i dont think i have had that much fun reading in QUITE a while!!!! THX for the entertai ment!!! and its true, kristen stewart can NOT ACT!!!!!!!! good job!!!! :onfire: :pointl: thats james!!! :)
Reply
:iconmasterkagura:
MasterKagura Featured By Owner Aug 1, 2010
Haha, very true! I'm glad you enjoyed it. :)
Reply
:iconalex-chelsea-cullen:
Alex-Chelsea-Cullen Featured By Owner Jul 2, 2010
I really don't get why everyone hates Twilight so much...it's a fiction book. FICTION. It's not SUPPOSED to be realistic. It's supposed to be a dangerous, suspenseful love story for entertainment. And if Stephanie Meyer wants to write Mary Sues (which I agree Bella is) then let her! If I don't like something, then I don't read it. I seriously don't get why people have to make fun of Twilight and the fans so much.
Reply
:iconmasterkagura:
MasterKagura Featured By Owner Aug 21, 2010
Hey there! Just found this at the back of my inbox. Sorry I didn't respond sooner.

I don't hate Twilight at all. Really, I'm just sick of it.

I read the series in its entirity. I had fun and enjoyed it. My problem is the people that think it's, well, good. Because really, it isn't. It's fun. There's a difference. It's not any better than half the young adult novels out there, but not any worse, either. At the time of writing this, I was very irritated by the constant praise, because imo it didn't deserve it. I wasn't out to cause any conflict, just express my frustration and poke a bit of fun at an overhyped series. :)

And as for fiction being realistic, gotta disagree there. Take a look at Neil Gaiman's Sandman series. It's about Dream of the Endless. Supporting cast includes Death, Destiny, Cain, Abel, Eve, Lucifer, and Matthew the Raven. And the genius of it is that despite the fantasty, despite the elves and gods and magic, it's incredibly believable and relatable and real. When fiction can be made realistic, no matter how fantastical it is, that's when the author has succeeded.
Reply
:iconalex-chelsea-cullen:
Alex-Chelsea-Cullen Featured By Owner Aug 22, 2010
S'okay :)

Yeah, even I'll agree that the plot is cliche. But hey, there's nothing new under the sun; our creative works are all bits and pieces of our experiences and what we've already read. And at least it was entertaining to read. That's really all that matters to me in reading and writing. If it has a good story, then I'll read it. Even if a book had wonderful characterization, was relatable and believable even if it was fantasy, and had better writing than Tokien (BLASPHEMY!) but had a not-so-exciting storyline, I wouldn't read it. But people are different and look for other things in literature, and I respect that. It's when people start hating on another series that I get upset. (No offense to you, though, I get that you were irritated with the Twilight hype. I am sometimes, too, although I can fangirl over it at other times with my friends.) I guess I'm just a very preserve-the-creative-freedom-and-keep-criticism-constructive kind of person :)
Reply
:iconnoreydragon:
NoreyDragon Featured By Owner Jul 8, 2010  Professional Filmographer
It's nor realistic NOR making sense NOR well written NOR entertaining people who are on a niveau higher than 12-year-old screaming girlies
THAT's because we don't like it!
Reply
:iconalex-chelsea-cullen:
Alex-Chelsea-Cullen Featured By Owner Jul 8, 2010
Well, I think that people should just leave the "12-year-old screaming girlies" alone. There's not many things that tick me off, but one of them is HATERS who can't keep their impolite comments to themselves. I'm not against their opinion; just the fact that they feel the need to bash Twilight and the fans every time I turn around. We don't bash fandoms you like. I know some of you are sick of hearing us talk about Twilight, but WE'RE kind of sick of you guys, too. Can't us authors and readers just get along and NOT read what we don't like, leave it at that, and get the hate out of the community?
Reply
:iconnoreydragon:
NoreyDragon Featured By Owner Jul 8, 2010  Professional Filmographer
Whoa whoa, evreybody has a right for an opinion^^ I don't HATE it, but I like making fun of it :D I like too, if people make fun of warriorcats (The thing I like) because there are really some logical mistakes in these books and I can laugh about it and I doN't care if somebody hates the warriors. And I am NOT SICK OF THEM!
Reply
:iconalex-chelsea-cullen:
Alex-Chelsea-Cullen Featured By Owner Jul 9, 2010
Yeah, I get where you're coming from. And I wasn't talking about you, just the haters.
Reply
:iconfobrocker3:
FOBrocker3 Featured By Owner Jun 3, 2010
the jasper part was the best
he wants to eat bella tho
woo
this is awesome
Reply
:iconenternaldaydreamer:
EnternalDaydreamer Featured By Owner May 5, 2010  Hobbyist Photographer
OMG I am secretly on the computer right now and let let me almost laugh out loud! Really loud! So now I just let myself chuckle. I fell off the chair. Especially with the 'we're needed in the plot' moments. You rock!:worship:
Reply
:iconzombiexbite:
ZOMBIExBite Featured By Owner Apr 17, 2010  Hobbyist Traditional Artist
o.0 omfg. cedric diggory was played by robert pattinson??? im sry for sounding so stupid, but unlike the twitards, i do not stalk pattinson's life.
Reply
:iconappletwilight:
appletwilight Featured By Owner Mar 23, 2010
i was laughing so hard i cried. and we can't blame kristen. she is working with BElLA's character after all
Reply
:iconbooks-are-my-life:
books-are-my-life Featured By Owner Feb 1, 2010
You sir/madam are a GENIUS! I applaud you for this and am now in love. This will be printed out and used as bedtime reading material. I need some laughs and this proviedes them one hundred fold! Now to read the sequel; ONWARDS, dear friends! :XD:
Reply
:iconichliebebillkaulitz:
IchLiebeBillKaulitz Featured By Owner Dec 21, 2009   Writer
Best. Take. On Twilight. EVUH. XDD I loved the series after reading it like, a billion times.. But then at a billion and one, I realized just how suckish it was.

This was really, really funny. XD I'm sharing it with everyone I know. BWAHA!
Reply
:iconmasterkagura:
MasterKagura Featured By Owner Dec 23, 2009
XD I'm so glad you liked it and you've seen the light!

Yesssss, SPREAD the words of my genius---er, I mean, yeah. Cool. They might like it.
Reply
:iconshadowangel05:
ShadowAngel05 Featured By Owner Dec 18, 2009   Traditional Artist
i just read this one but i couldn't finish!!! i was starting to chuckle!! i know once that started to happen i'll start laughing and can't stop!!!!!!! i love the part when it says'he hissed like a 5 year olded acting like a vampire'!!! that's where i stopped!!!!11!!!11!!
Reply
:iconnaomihansen:
NaomiHansen Featured By Owner Dec 17, 2009  Student Digital Artist
"OMG t1l1ght is teh bESt ceres EVER and OMG I""M ttlly In <33333 with EDWard and iMMa mary him 1 day omg he"S SO Lyke hawt."

MEIN GOTT!!! I can't even read that shit!! I knew people could be dumb, but really?

Aiya...

Oh yeah, forgot about the "story..."

ROFL! You explained it perfectly.
Reply
:iconpersonaking:
PersonaKing Featured By Owner Dec 8, 2009
Wow, just........this is exactly how it should have been. At least then I would be mildly entertained. But yes, I agree I dislike Twilight mainly for the over-fanism, but that's how it goes. Plus, the sparkles. No one can ever look at real vampires the same ever again:iconfacepalmplz;. Really great job:D. more power to ya! Cuz it made me lol:XD:.

"And so the lion fell in love with the lamb........but later on the lion got hungry"
Reply
:iconfiltered-rain:
Filtered-Rain Featured By Owner Nov 27, 2009
That.

It.

This.

I really can't think of any words for this besides 'Epic Win' :D. I couldn't stop giggling the entire way through.
Reply
:iconzae369:
Zae369 Featured By Owner Nov 23, 2009
I was expecting this to be another stupid and childish rant by someone who didn't know what they were talking about but wanted to act like they did, but it's actually pretty accurate.

I hate how it got so popular and how stupid the majority of its fanbase is now, but i empathize with them because when i first read it some years back i actually thought it was alright, i even like Jacob and Alice, and was completely oblivious to all its WTFness. This is not to say I loved it mind you.
Reply
:iconchipchops:
chipchops Featured By Owner Nov 18, 2009
Hilarious. XD And so true...
Reply
:iconscorpio-sebonzakura:
scorpio-sebonzakura Featured By Owner Nov 4, 2009
YOU ARE A GENIUS!!

HAHAHAHAHAHHAHHAHAHAHAHAHAHAH x 10 ^1500

-catches breath- phew. . .

this just inspired me to create a Twilight spoof on YouTube, g'day!
Reply
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